A common mistake parents make when hearing adult donor conceived people talk about donor conceived trauma is ignoring their experiences because "times have changed" or their child has not expressed similar feelings. Some parents will directly ask their donor children if they feel the same and then rest assured if their children deny having similar feelings. Various details of donor children's stories can be used as evidence of irrelevance. Donor child votes that land as 'angry' are often quickly written off as 'examples of angry donor children with bad parents'.
"Not my donor child," is a jerky, defensive response that blinds parents to donor child-related dynamics that may be uncomfortable or painful to consider - especially when early childhood seems to be going smoothly. However, this attitude detracts from the real and proven trauma inherent in a donor child, missing an opportunity to fully support donor conceived people and ultimately benefit from the better relationships.
That trauma suits you well.
One reason it is so easy to overlook signs of donor child trauma is because many donor children can put on masks and keep going. Sometimes they don't even know they are avoiding their own trauma.
Donor conceived people are inadvertently prepared to meet the wishes of intended parents. For our brains, running the show is just a matter of survival. After all, children need parents, and attachment is our greatest human need, and even takes precedence over basic principles like shelter and food, as explained by child developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld.
Of course, “good,” accommodating behavior is welcomed and adored in our culture. What parent wouldn't love a well-behaved child? Parents are quick to admit that their job feels so much easier when the children are behaving. But unfortunately, the more donor children are praised for our good behavior, the more our unhealthy patterns are reinforced and extend beyond our family relationships. We'll let go of our true feelings in an instant if it means feeling cherished and keeping loved ones close.
Other manifestations of donor child trauma are valued by mainstream culture: perfectionism produces hard-working, dedicated students and staff who will always go the extra mile - no one sees the donor conceived person's frantic need to prove his or her worth. Donor conceived people are often natural leaders - no one knows we can have a desperate need to be in charge, which started giving up when our brains decided that no one was paying attention, so we are best served when we are at the helm. People pleasers can also be charismatic, supportive, empathetic and generous… others are unaware of the self-sabotage that can go on behind the scenes. We can appear unfazed in stressful situations, many do not understand this because we have spent a lifetime diminishing our feelings and ignoring deep pain to become masters of compartmentalization.
These are qualities that we value in society. Not all of these properties are bad, of course. But they can be internally destructive - especially if donor conceived people are unaware of them, especially if the prize is the donor child's true sense of self.
Donor conceived person jealousy.
Another reason it is more difficult to detect donor conceived trauma is because it hides itself from the donor conceived people themselves. The grief of the loss of family members through donor conception is so great that it is not easily viewed by the donor conceived person. As if you are looking too directly at the sun, it will burn. In addition, our experiences of such a great loss are often preverbal before we learned words like loneliness, isolation, abandonment, and hopelessness to help us understand our overwhelming emotions - so overwhelming that they are sometimes not felt. Our brains protect us that way, because if we feel them, we might be able to do something about them.
In their development, most children will not have the ability to think about the loss through donor conception until much later in life. This is what's known as 'living in the fog' - a state of denial or numbness in which donor conceived people cannot scrutinize the effects of donor conception. When asked directly, often donor children will not have the awareness or the words to talk about their donor conceived trauma. We spend years, and possibly decades, feeling that we are more comfortable pursuing society or a family's light-hearted interpretation of donor conception than trying our own.
Bron: (Edited version from the adoptee to the donor conceived perspective https://severancemag.com/not-my-adoptee-yes-your-adoptee/
Comentários