There is an old saying: the past is abroad. They do things differently there than here. anemoia. Looking at old photos from before my time, it's hard not to wonder. A touch of nostalgia for times I haven't experienced. It feels like sitting on the side of the road as the locals pass by. Who lived and died before I came here? We were my family? What kind of people were they? We have lived on the same earth. We looked at the same moon. We breathe the same air. The same blood that ran through their veins now runs through mine. But they lived in a totally different world, in a totally different time.
It's a world still full of dust covered from the border. The world of adults being knocked down by hand. A world full of front yards, where fires burn in the evening. Or conversations from the garden over the fence. Working on the farmland. I look at the pictures when they are already done with their lives. It seems so important, even though their story may have already been told once. Though the way it happened doesn't change. But they still go on.
The past is abroad. We are all just tourists. We can't expect from us to understand the locals. Why they do things they did. We can only hope that they have been sitting still for a while so that there is a photo in which we can find some recognition. That their story has been recorded. So that we can sit in their world for a moment. With the borders that protect us from the rest of time. Like a tidal pool just out of reach of the waves, letting you dwell in the moment - so clear and still you can see your own reflection.
That reflection makes it possible to reflect on the past. My own past, but also the past of my ancestors on which I can reflect, gives me strength to continue. I also reflect on my parents' past and what they have done. That even though I can't change anything, I'm a sympathetic ear on the side of their past. I make my own steps and can only learn from them and do things differently as far as I want to.
I am building a future in which I want to do things differently than the people in my past. I don't want quarrels in the family, I want to love my family as far as I can and they allow me. I want honesty, listening ears and no secrets. I don't want family wars. I want to be a shoulder to cry on, a person you can express your feelings to. Be the person you can laugh with.
I want to be the person who helps change a system that shouldn't have been the way it is. You can guess which system I'm talking about: the fertility industry/donor conception industry. I want the law to put the rights of donor conceived people first. That the taboo disappears, that anonymous donation is no longer something that happens anywhere. That keeping secrets from your child is not seen as an option. Though I know this isn't going to be normal for a very long time for the general public... It's gonna take even longer than I live if we don't all join hands with the aim of making it clear to the crowd that having secrets in your life is not okay. I can't wait for this time.
Comments